I have never been a great writer and I struggle feeling comfortable with the words I do write, so please keep that in mind as I share some thoughts that I have wanted to voice for a long time. I do not keep a journal and because this is just a family blog I feel comfortable with those who read them. Last year I had another experience where I was shown how fragile this mortal life is, so my desire is to TRY harder to be deliberate in the way that I show love for all men, and also the need to write down those experiences that mean the most to me for my children and their children.
Last summer as Cody was preparing for his mission, we talked about some of the questions that would be asked about our church as he taught investigators. One of the questions that is often asked is, "What is the church's attitude regarding homosexuality and same sex marriage?". I told Cody that this was a question that I myself, along with countless other members of the church, have asked and sought satisfying answers for.
Over the last 25 years I have spent hours upon hours researching what the church's position is, I have read everything I can find that has been spoken and written by the church, I have talked with gay members both active and inactive, I have sought counsel from my bishop and stake president, I have had many sleepless nights as I have talked with the Lord and pled with Him to help me understand and I have talked with and cried with my family as we have sought for a better understanding together. I wish I could say that I have found some satisfying answers, but I have not.
What I have found, however, is counsel that has given me strength to be patient until the day that the entire truth is eventually known. Last April, Elder Jeffrey R. Holland gave a talk, that for me personally, gave me renewed hope. You can read the whole talk
here. The message that I needed most was, "In moments of fear or doubt or troubling times, hold the ground you have already won...when those moments come and issues surface, the resolution of which is not immediately forthcoming, hold fast to what you already know and stand strong until additional knowledge comes.....In this Church, what we know will always trump what we do not know. And remember, in this world, everyone is to walk by faith."
So what do I know about the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints that trumps those things that I don't know or don't completely understand about the Church? What things do I know that inspires me to continue to walk by faith? Let me share just one experience that may seem insignificant and small, but will be forever written upon my heart.
4 years ago our family went to New York City and had our most memorable vacation together. We spent a few days in the city and then drove north to Palmyra where we stood on top of the Hill Cumorah and were able to walk through the Sacred Grove.
We visited some of the other historical sights and then decided to drive back to NYC through Pennsylvania.
I remembered my dad telling me that if we had time we should stop in Harmony, Pennsylvania where John the Baptist appeared to Joseph Smith and Oliver Cowdrey and gave them the Aaronic Priesthood. After they were ordained they went into the Susquehannah River and baptized each other. We were not prepared for this little detour, so we had no map with us, and our cell service was not functional enough for GPS. We stopped at a gas station along the freeway for directions and the attendant had never heard of Harmony, Pennsylvania. Someone at the gas station gave us their best guess as to what exit to take and thankfully they were right. We drove down the main street in Harmony and because we were paying attention we saw a very small sign that had an arrow to the right and said, 'The Site of the Restoration of the Aaronic Priesthood.' We pulled into a small park next to a cemetery, parked and walked over to a large statue of John the Baptist ordaining Joseph Smith and Oliver Cowdrey.
The park had a thick grove of trees behind it so there was no visibility beyond them, I looked around for what should be the Susquehanna River but it was nowhere in sight. Next to the statue was a glass enclosed bulletin board and as I walked over to it I saw a hand drawn map of where the actual spot of ordination was located. I thought it was interesting that this was a church historical site and all they had was a hand drawn map with a big red X that marked the spot. There was nobody else in the park, no missionaries to give us a tour or guide us to the spot, so we were on our own. I took a picture of the map with my phone and then asked Steve and the kids if we could go find it ourselves.
We had arrived in New York the first week of July and the temperature that day was 106 degrees with horrible humidity, so the kids weren't too excited about it, but my desire to find this spot increasingly got stronger. We got back in our little jeep and I began to guide Steve to the spot according to the map on my phone. We turned right a couple of times taking note that there were no markers or signs along the road that we felt certain the church would have posted. We were no longer on paved roads and not another sole in sight. We finally turned onto a small dirt road that was only wide enough for 1 car and there were thick groves of trees on either side. As we drove, Steve kept telling me he felt uncomfortable on this deserted unmarked road, and I couldn't help but feel the same way, but knew that we had to be close by. After driving for a few minutes and struggling to see my little map clearly, we decided to give up and go back to the park. When we got to the park I went to the bulletin board and looked at the map more carefully and had to believe that we were on the right road and hadn't gone far enough. I asked Steve if we could try just one more time, both he and the kids protested, but I assured them we would find it this time.
I'm not sure why at that point I was so driven to find it, but I know now that it would be an experience that I needed to build upon what I already knew. We drove to the dirt road we had been on once before, only this time we continued to drive til the road came to a dead end. At this point Steve said we had done all we could to find it and it was time to give up (and the kids were in agreement). I asked a silent prayer to my Heavenly Father to help us find the place that I was now so desperate to see. I decided to get out of the car and walk along the edge of the road. I hadn't gone far when I discovered a trail about 5 feet wide that led down into the trees. The kids didn't want to get out in the heat so I told Steve to stay with the them and I would follow the trail into the trees and find where it led. Steve was uncomfortable with that but he knew that I was determined to go.
The trail quickly started down a slope and I lost all sight of Steve and the kids. Again I prayed for guidance and just as the trail became a flat surface again I looked ahead of me and was taken back by the light shining through the trees. As I walked closer I realized that the light was coming from the sun's reflection off of water, and immediately I felt the overwhelming influence of the Spirit as I looked upon the Susquehanna River. I have had many experiences with the Holy Ghost, but this time was beyond anything I have felt before, as I knew with a surety that the place where I was standing was sacred. The first thing I wanted to do was go get my family and as I ran up the hill back to the car I couldn't stop the tears. When Steve and the kids saw me they were a little surprised by my emotional state, but I quickly told them we were in the right place. To this day I feel some guilt for this :), but we decided to drive our small jeep down the trail, and when we could go no further, we got out and walked down to the banks of the river. As we stood there together, it wasn't difficult to imagine Joseph and Oliver being ordained by John, and then walking out into the water and baptizing each other.
That day I felt another witness that Joseph Smith, an imperfect man, was called to be a prophet and that through him, the Priesthood was restored to the earth again.
It is this same priesthood that was given to Steve just before we were married, and this same priesthood that Steve used with our home teachers to bless our unborn baby when we found out through an ultrasound that he had some serious health problems that would most likely result in hydrocephalus. I believe that it was because of that priesthood blessing that Cody is able to serve a mission today without any concerns for his physical health.
These are things that I do know, and will always trump those things I don't know. As a result, I will continue to exercise faith that my unanswered questions will one day be answered, and the truth in its fullness, will be known.
